Close Encounters of an Expat Kind: Language Barriers

http://www.harpercollins.co.uk/titles/9780007331550/collins-robert-french-dictionary-ninth-edition-collins-dictionaries

So I have lived abroad for over half my life now. A crazy thought on it's own (and I wouldn't have it any other way). 

The majority of that time has been in Dubai, where despite the national language being Arabic, everyone speaks English to a really high level. 

It's true, here in Geneva that everyone seems to be a linguist, but it's not always English that they've been studying. So I am cursed with the English tourist syndrome of assuming that people here will understand English. 

It's not really the case. 

The language challenges in Italy highlighted all this stress with us eating whatever the waiter recommended, simply because we had no idea what he was saying. It's half the fun of holidays and why I loved Le Marche- it felt so unspoilt by tourists. 

But when it's your hometown, it's not quite so entertaining. My French is awful, but my Mum's is pretty good- we get by with her help and a summer course that I went to when we first moved out here in the summer- well worth the investment as now I have reawakened my GCSE French (apologies to anyone who has heard me destroy such a pretty language). 

The latest challenge in regard to languages was our cleaning lady, Maria. Mum had hired her because she's been working two jobs effectively (teaching and tutoring) and also doing a distance learning masters! We've also had friends and family staying, so she wanted the house to look extra nice. In short, please don't think we're lazy; my mum does busy like nobody else. 

So, she hired Maria- the assumption was that she'd speak french, even though she's from Latin America. 

Turns out Maria only really speaks Spanish, but understands French- it's resulted in some pretty entertaining scenes: 

Number 1: The introduction

Maria was recommended to us by our neighbours- the most amazing italian couple who speak: 
Italian
English
French
Spanish

and who knows what else but these are the ones we've discovered. They introduced us and it resulted in a three way conversation where Mum spoke English to Wanda, French to Maria. Wanda spoke English to Mum and Spanish to Maria and Maria understood Mum and then would reply to Wanda in Spanish. 

It resulted in Wanda getting so confused with her languages that she kept talking to my mum in Spanish and Wanda in English. Only in Geneva would 3 languages be thrown around a conversation. 

Number 2: Enter the idiot abroad

I have a bit of an issue in Geneva when workmen come to the house, because 90% of the time I am alone and cannot, for the love of God work out why they are here- If Mum's at work and hasn't left a note then I really have no clue. The other week we had a guy come to check the bomb shelter for goodness' sake! Ever taught the French for that at school? 

Anyway, during the visitor madness, we had Maria's brother come in to do a bit of gardening- Maria wasn't there, so in my best (GCSE from 4 years ago) Spanish asked if he spoke/understood French and with hope in my voice, English. The answer was a no to both, so it was just my Spanish. 

I had to ask him to do a dog poo check before mowing the lawn. Did I just check a dictionary for the word dog? Did I at least go to google translate?

No. No I did not. 

I barked in his face. 

Who does that?